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next few weeks before finals are extremely busy. i've got ...a lot of things to do.
so i'm trying to split it up instead of procrastinating. today i was really into genetics for once, i think because i knew that at 8:15 i would get to study Ecology with a friend (so i wasn't trapped indefinitely. an end is an end is an end).

but now im back trying to study genetics. and there's these kids in the room that are BLASTING music from their earphones. i could leave or tell them to turn it down. but i figured instead i'd just cry to lj instead. i feel like if i can hear their music, with my own headphones on, on the other side of the room... they're probably deaf by now so saying something wouldn't make a difference.

by the way Grizzly Bear and Andrew Bird and Animal Collective are some of my favorite things. i love that every time i listen to a song, there is some new harmony or beat or lyric. music has been affecting me much more than normal, lately. i really really want to sing in a band. not necissarily a band even. i just want to try making music, and things like Grizzly bear make me feel like i'm not retarded for not playing an instrument. human voice IS an instrument! i want to jam out and harmonize with people.

someday when i'm not procrastinating, and actually have free time, i'm going to look into sound editing software i can steal off the internet and start playing with the audio medium.

all morning i've had this terrible death taste in my mouth. i'm not hungry but i want to eat just so i can get rid of it (already tried brushing the teeth, no luck). bleeeeeh bleeeeh i hate this taaaaaaste

Abnaki (my snake. he does have a name but for some reason i don't say it outloud) is missing!!

this morning my RA came in and asked if he was missing, much to my confusion. as last i checked he was happily in his log. but when i checked he was indeed gone!!!

apparently somebody saw him this morning in the bathroom and thought he wasn't real, but then found out that he was (he was gone when they got out of the shower).

uuuuuug i'm sick with worry. i wish he were something cute, because people KILL snakes! i have my housemates on lookout, the RA's housemates on lookout, and i've posted some posters on doors.

i wish this were my house so i could just search it completely, but it's not and i can't. he could be outside by now, in which case i've probably lost him forever.

i feel like crap. everyone in my house is gone for the weekend (except bruno, who is feeling sick) and i have loads of work to do and i just want Abnaki to be safe and i can't take it.

so friday night we went to see ZombieLand, and it was GREAT. but i kind of bought a thing of whoppers to eat, and didn't eat it all, so....

i've been eating a bowl of whoppers in milk for breakfast for the past two days. XD

our house is sold! well, under contract.

barring serious failure, my mother, puff the pomeranian, stag the cat, abnaki the cornsnake, big mama hisseroach and all her babies, a bunch of tadpoles, freshwater snails, mystery beetles, a baby pede, a young green pufferfish, two fiddlercrabs, and i will be moving out of my childhood home by July 8th.

i'm a bit afraid, because, well, change. and we're going 6 hours away (to the same town i go to college in, it's got a nicenice house, and an acceptable balance of community and wilderness), so what is gonna happen to all the friendships i have here? well, the same thing that happened when i went to college. no communication, remember them in my head but never see them again and not mind much. sorry if you're reading this, it's just how i am. i'm always open to communication, it just rarely happens.

terrified about not seeing the ones i did manage to keep up with. i feel like they're the only people (what 2? haha only people sounds like a lot) that i've managed to keep up relations with. but then if i've done it so far, i'll probably keep it up even if i move away. especially since i'm finally in process of getting my license, and a rainy day spent in a car with audiobooks is all that stands between new and old homes. ( D: samsa better let me see him or steal him or something, wtf)

soooooo yeah. excited.

and grateful. this is the perfect time (in my development) for this to happen. it's forcing change, which i need, and i'm conscious enough to grasp everything that's going on. how many 19 year old males have experience navigating the selling and buying of a house? not that i've done much, but as for learning experience...!

huuummm and we did strawberries a few days back, and i've had the worst gut-rot ever since. TMI, i know, but ... i'm a bit worried XDD it's been DAYS and i haven't stopped pooping. at least i'm loosing weight fast, though, hahahaha! ((sorry i'll shut up now and go back to drawing. these commissions turned out perfect for getting me back into artsing)

figured commissions are a good way of forcing myself to draw. posting everywhere in hopes of getting a bite or two or a million.

$5 sketches
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$10 drawings
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$5 simple icons
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$10 icons
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sooooooo it's been a while. and the last entry kind of sucked, haha sorry.

since i've been back home i've been super-productive. almost every day mutti and i do something (clean out the grandparents attic, today we stained our deck). i've been photoing things left-and right (my new icon is an aphid i met in the woods yesterday). we visited Genesis Farms, which is this amazing community-farm 13 miles away from us, and we're gonna volunteer there, and maybe get a share if we're lucky (there's a waiting list, but even if we don't get a share we want to work and learn) and maybe if it's as amazing as it looks, i'll apply for an apprenticeship next summer (but who knows because of that whole 'in the future' thing).

uhmuhmuhm. i found a baby giant african millipede while packing to come home for the summer (i kept big femme's bedding in hopes of eggs, and i was right!)....abnaki(thecornsnake) is doing amazing, and is about to shed again. the roaches are starting to pop out babies (inbred, but yeah), big mama is first, she's protecting her babies, which is really sweet (i don't remember her doing it for the first round, but now she's got them all close around her and hisses if i get anywhere near). the other two females haven't popped yet, but they're pretty fat.

what elsewhat else. jeeze. uhm. a lot. mutti, samsa, and i are going to see Rufus Wainwright in august. we've got a cabin in Salt Springs reserved for three days in june, we're going to a bluegrass festival in june, a renaissance fair in august, several hikes with the Sierra club (assuming we still want to go when they come up, but we're at least doing the mushroom-gathering hike), i'm learning to drive (i know, 19 year old doesn't drive it's looked down upon, but i hate cars. too bad knowing how to use one would mean i could go farther than 10 miles from my house without escort), we'll probably drive down to North Carolina sometime, maybe Canada too, uhm. if i get my way we'll be camping in the Adirondacks.... oh! and there's a powow this weekend (i think it's this weekend. the calender is downstairs) hahaha so much. i'll shut up now and just try to post as things happen.

sorry if this is rambly. as usual i've been reading everyone's posts and just being a creepy lurker, but yeah. i'll try to post once a week or something but i probably won't.

super negative feelings today.
loneliness escalated, faith in educated declined, despair set in.

i still pretty much feel that way, and wish i were better with communicating, or was able to make and keep friends who were interested in me enough to notice/care when i'm feeling down.

i feel like the friends i've made here (college) are nice, but not too close (give it time i guess), and the friends i had never cared that much, or are pretty much completely out of my life (a lot my fault, i suppose. if i was better at communicating or keeping in contact with people or making contact with people)

it sucks because i can't really blame others for it, and it leaves me feeling like i just... well, i fail at social interactions. however, i can make friends that are comfortable enough to come to me with their problems. but when i have problems i always am left feeling like i have nobody to talk to, and nobody asks or notices, so... it can't all be my fault, right? haha i don't know anything.

this isn't meant to guilt-trip anyone. i just don't have anyone to actually talk to (except my mom, that is. but i really want a peer sometimes, haha, and mutti is enjoying a vacation in FL, so i don't want to bring her down), so i'm ventingventingventing to the empty computer.

ug. i'm relying on a machine for emotional venting. haha.

i'll say i'm going to go distract myself with studying, but what'll probably happen is nothing.

sighsighsigh.

sorry for this, again, haha. just venting.

uuug. darwin day was kind of a let-down. the walk in the woods was amazing, but even though they found somebody else to help out and i got to see the show, i wasn't all that amazed. (i wish i didn't hype myself up so much about things, i usually wind up disappointed)

and now it's that time in winter before winter winds down and i failed to escape it again. i swear every year around now i wind up mildly depressed and lonely. it's not valentine's day, it's the season. i'm really really missing life. and as always, wanting a close friend who i can share happiness with (and maybe be able to rely on when i'm sad, too. that'd be a major plus)

hellish irrational seasonal thinking.

uuuuug it's Darwin day and i'm loving it so far, but now there's a shortage in tech assistance for the final show tonight, and they want me to work it. which i can't refuse, of course, because i love the performer and want him to show.... but... i really, really want to see it.

hopefully whatever work they have me doing i'll be able to see most of the performance as well.

sighsighsigh

so this Thursday is Darwin day. DARWIN DAY.

most days that are of something are not so exciting, 'talk like a pirate', 'hug a ----', etc. but on Darwin day my school is bringing in a presenter who will lecture and then we get to go on a hike with the biology department and then at night the same presenter dresses up like Darwin and has a musical?!!!!!!?!?!

hohoho i know it's bad but if any of my classes are during hiking or his presentation i will probably be avoiding them D:

read about him!! http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/10/science/10tier.html?_r=2&8dpc

i know it's terribly corny, but i'm very excited about it. i mean, biology, AND singing?!?!??!?!

plus i get to draw for the program for Eugene Chan this Saturday. oh ho the joys.

i'm kind of sick of it.

i like people. i like my friends.

but sometimes i just want to be left alone.

my roomate is home for the weekend, which i need a lot, because he's been going through drama which messes up his sleeping schedule and thus mine (not to mention that i can't be in my room without having to worry over his problems). i really wanted to sleep last night. went to bed around 11, woke up at 11:30 to partying. wound up staying up till 7. thanks people.

i want really bad a place to call my own. or that i am able to defend at least. i feel so helpless (who am i to say 'please don't party here' when they live here, too?)...

miserablemiserablemiserable.
i just want to be alone and be able to sleep naked and unafraid and listen to my music quietly in the night (and not have to turn it up to drown out the people. i like quiet music.) and be able to sleep or relax or study. i want to be able to study!! wtf. people sense it, i swear. if i'm about to sleep or study they get loud. within five minutes.

i'll get over it, i guess. i just miss alone-time.

so right after writing my last entry, i went to Environmental Policies class.

well. ( biophilia )

the world is opening up right now and i just hope it stays open enough for us to grab a meaningful space.

off to class!!

already the semester is looking better. i'm on top of my homework, i'm studying ahead, i'm sleeping according to schedule (and since my housemate's have early-morning classes, this means that i shouldn't be pressured to stay up late, and the mornings will be free for me to study, as i had hoped)

work is alright, it's weird only working an hour at a time, and working every day of the week, spread out. i don't know how i feel about it (before i worked in blocks, now it's an hour here and there between classes), but it might prove useful, because i don't have to get too involved, and i'm in school-mode, which means i'm more likely to study.

biodiversity is a large class, but optimistically it's full of new people, so hopefully somebody somewhere will be a biomajor focused on life beyond the human threshold.

ummmm yeah. very optimistic currently, i hope i hold my focus and with classes i'm actually interested in, i may be able to. 3.8GPA+ here i come?? D: D: D:

ALSO am kind of farting around with ideas to submit to threadless :/ i want to be doing art again, and i'm ashamed from my last commission (having still not sent out the finished product that's been done forever), but i want to do them too. uuuuug why am i so retarded with human relations??

so for the holidays i got: a coat, a camera, and a snake babe.

the camera turned out to be aimed at partykids who want to take myspace photos, but it was exchanged for a little peice of AMAZING.

and of course, today was a warm day, also a no-hunting day. reminded me of spring so that i was completely inspired. mutti and i spent most of the day in the woods, and then went to the grandparents and sculped faces. we want to do craft shows this summer, vaguely.

PROOF THAT IT HAPPENED: ( UHNDAH HEAR )

:3

my friend asked mentioned she'd like a bag for the holidays.
and so today i got into the artsy-fartsy thing and made one.

black on the outside
golden-yellow on the inside.
all the material is super-thick/nice, on the inside i have a zippered pocket with blood-red lining and black lace hiding the zipper...
i'm in the process of making costume buttons from super-sculpey, and hopefully will be using the buttons as printing blocks to add design to the black outside.

been working on it all day, and so far i'm liking the product. too bad i my camera's dead, but maybe i'll try scanning it in when it's finished?? hahaha.

much better mood now. though the snow makes me miss saaaaaaamsaaaa.

oh. mutti and i went and visited the sheep yesterday (tuesday's weather was too harsh), and we loved them, but decided to wait.

it's only been a few days, really. but, there was this virus, on this computer. and being that this computer is the only working clock in our house, it's been hell.

i'm not really good with computers, but i seem to have finally vanquished the virus (note: seemed to) i'm not educated enough to actually know for sure if it's gone or not. i assume that because my computer isn't exploding that it's alright for the time being. sigh.

things to know:
trend micro-pill antivirus isn't all that effective (this is what we paid for)

antivirus360 is HELL and i didn't download it but it began working on my computer regardless of what i thought about it. you have to get on their website and download a special uninstall program to get it off your computer. i was very close to sending a very angry request for help to their help-center. NEVER go near it if you have a choice. i didn't D:<

avast seems to have worked. it's free and my nerdy roommate told me about it. thanks Trent.

sighsighsigh i hate technology.

in other news i'm feeling pretty lethargic and disappointed in myself lately. i blame holiday cookies and the feeling of winter setting in.

went to a figure study session tonight for the first time in FOREVER

( artartartART! )

ALSO tomorrow mutti and i are driving down to go look at sheep!! WHAT? yeah. sheep. miniature ones. ones that will fit (happily) on our current property and aren't hard to move should we move. sheep that produce enough wool for crafts and are inclined towards friendliness. sheeps that have excellent fertilizing poops. sheep that will be more than happy to mow ours, and Nagypapa's lawn. sheep that can learn to be walked on leads... sheep that are amazing.

we're going to meet them tomorrow to see if they're as friendly as everyone says. if they are, chances are we may come in close association with a pair of lambs sometime next year.

this is where we're going. seems religious-crazy, but the lady was real nice on the phone. we'll be looking at the miniature cheviots. ho-hum ho-hum :3

sigh.
a full nights work (and play, admittedly) resulting in complete finishing of all owed work. it's really satisfying. after i sleep (whenever i do, as i'm fairly resistant to the idea) i'll have nothing to do but study for finals, which at the moment i'm not afraid of, and then this semester is overoveroverover!!

hopefully i'll have art to upload for once over winter break :3

choir concert tonight was AMAZING.
sang epic requiems and chorals and sang the shit out of my lungs.
it was our director's last show, and next semester we'll have somebody new, and i just hope that they'll be half as good as this guy was. sighsighsigh. at least i got to see the tip of his iceberg of epic.

siiiiiiiigh but at the same time nobody i knew showed up. so after the concert i just kind of shuffled out of there and walked back to my dorm. very anti-climatic. i wish nagypapa could have seen it, he would have really appreciated it.

buuuh now to get studying on them finals.